Sorry for the major vent yesterday.

Wow. That was quite the post, huh? That is why when I am feeling at my worst I stay away from writing. ;)  But I did feel much better afterwards, hehehe. ;)

This morning I went to see Diana, my primary care nurse practitioner. And we had a long discussion. About my falling down twice in one day and breaking the fall with my forehead, about my knee surgeries, etc. And here is what we have decided. I am to resume the lymph edema treatment, but this time it is with the goal of easing the pain and swelling in my legs, and not the goal of the surgeries. We have agreed that the surgery will most likely kill me. And so, that goal for the knee replacements is over with. And in a way, I feel relieved as the idea of having such a major surgery after the fiasco last year just scared me to death.

 Diana said to me " Marlene, one of the things you will have to come to grips with is the fact that you are a beautiful, wonderful person, and you still have alot to offer to people. Your legs are not Marlene. They are a component of Marlene, but not all of you. And there is so much of you to offer to your friends and family and it doesn't matter if your legs work or not." She said alot more and I fought tears and couldn't even look at Greg, cause I knew I'd lose it for sure. I understand what she is saying. Really I do. But I still struggle every day with my growing list of limitations. It's really hard to swallow and she knows that I have fought hard and long with my circulation issues and the arthritis. Being in a wheelchair just doesn't make me happy. But it will help my pain level and keep me from falling and cracking my skull! So, I promised Diana I will work on that. What a wonderful friend she is.

As she walked Greg and I out, she told me her new office doesn't have any CHRISTmas decor for this year. The doc that left the practice took it all. (Last year for CHRISTmas I gave her and the other gals in the office one of my pine cone trees, so she knows I do floral stuff) So I said, that I can do! So in a few days when the pain from the falls has eased a bit, I will work on a few trees, garlands, and swags for the office. It will feel good to get designing again. And I know very well that she did that on purpose to get my mind off our conversation about the surgery.

And so my fibrofriends and fellow chronic babes, I say to you- your illness is not who you are either. It is a part of you, but not all of you. You too have lots to offer the world. We all need to work on that. Let's do it together, shall we?  Love and gentle hugs.   M